Misery

Sorry.

I have one.

Yet another one.

The GOOD news is, I really, really think that billy is going to start work on Tuesday. Really, I think it is actually going to happen.

But this morning was/is traumatic.

I had committed/promised/said, whatever, that I would of course be at Reilly's school today at 845am to watch her become Terrific Kid for the umpteenth time.

Let me clarify something here:

I have NEVER, EVER, EVER missed one of my children's 'events', with the exception of perhaps two baseball games, in their entire lives. My career had been jeopardized on more than several occasions when I left for an event, or was late because of an event, or had to leave early for an event.

Last night, the plan was in action.

Last night, Billy had no plan for today, and was NOT going to Terriffic Kid.

This morning, I got up at 630, turned each kid's lights on, started the oven for cinnamon rolls for breakfast.....and then the shit started.

Literally.

Diarrhea - 4 times within a half hour.

Started popping pills to get it to stop.

It's not stopping.

Pain is awful.

Oh, and Jake is being a complete, 'Handful' this morning, which is not helping matters. He's been runny nose and coughing all week and missed one day of school, and yeah he's tired, but he just DRAGS in the morning. And he's running out of time and I am doing the best that I can and Billy is still in the bedroom. Awake, I think, but has no intention of getting up.

Anyway.

I asked Reilly to come here so I could talk to her. She did, and I explained my situation, and I said I was going to really try to be there at 845, but I didn't know if I could make it. And she's really sad. Which, when you have a kid who is a genius and gets accolades every single day, at some point perhaps they should 'give' a little, but that's not for me to say, since my parents never went to ANYTHING. Anyway, she asks if maybe Daddy would come. I said, I don't know, maybe you could ask him?

So she did, but I don't know what she said to him exactly, and he comes storming out of the bedroom and he's pissed as all get out and he starts screaming at me and screaming at Jake and I have go to the bathroom again and then I start having a panic attack and then Reilly said to me that she was sorry she made Daddy mad at me and I said not to worry, she had nothing to do with Daddy and me, and i told her I loved her and I was sorry and I was super proud of her and finally Jake got dressed and they are gone.

B is in the shower, and he is SLAMMING everything.

I am in the recliner, with a heating pad on my stomach, having taken enough medication to put a hippo in a coma, but nope, still no relief.

And then he just verbally ATTACKED me. On and on about my 'recluse' ness, how I never go anywhere. Okay, this is an exaggeration, he's really starting to lay it on thick to make his point. Because, as I said the other day, yes I took Reilly to Graceland and Jake to Walgreens and back to pick up Reilly, and yep, I went to a Super Bowl party, and yep, I went to Publix THREE times last week, and picked up REilly from recorder lessons once......so, false. I do leave the house. I just don't leave it as much as perhaps I 'should', and as much as perhaps 'he' wants me to, but I do in fact leave the house, and I do in fact take the 85/15 role in the academic involvement of our children.

I let him go on and on and on. And I, to this day, just do not see how HE could possibly be suffering as much as ME. Inconvenienced, certainly. But there are soooooooo many more events with the children that he missed than I have.

And this is the FIRST time this has happened.

And he just wouldn't stop. He said i'm so afraid to leave the house I make myself sick.

O how I wish I had the power to 'make' myself sick, therefore I would have the power to 'unmake' myself sick.

I said, "Billy...."

And he SCREAMED, "DON'T BILLY ME".

And I said, "Billy, how could I possibly give myself diarrhea six times in 35 minutes?"

He shrugged and just kept complaining over and over and over again.

He went on and on about what the hell is going to happen when he starts work, which I have already figured out will be a catalyst for my mental 'recovery', as I will be FORCED to do everything for the kids.

And slammed and slammed and slammed some more until he left, said "I'm leaving" no goodbye no I love you, just slammed the door and took off in my car, far too early, but clearly wanted to get the hell away from me.

But here's the thing.

Once he gets to that school, and sees his baby girl on stage, he'll forget he's mad at me.

Tonight, I have committed to taking Jake to the Valentine's dance. Reilly has no interest in going, but Jake really wants to 'dance'. It has nothing to do with girls, he just wants to show off his moves.

There is no way in HELL that Billy will take Jake to a Valentine's dance, and the kids MUST be accompanied by a parent.

So I acquiesced, and I'm taking him.

Today, I wanted to be there for both my kids.

My body dictated otherwise.

I have until 545 pm to get my 'bowels' in order, so that I can take Jake tonight.

When this happens, it's always worse in the morning.

Billy knows this.

I really think he has gone beyond the 'resentful' stage, and is starting to hate me.

Could you please pray for HIM today?

And pray that this will all be over on Tuesday when he WILL start work?

Please?

I was so weak and so sick, just an hour ago, that I put up very little of a defense. I let him walk all over me.

And I feel defenseless and unprotected and completely out of control when it comes to my marriage.

I guess I just have to let him steam about it.

I can't ever 'prove' him wrong if I am in fact 'sick', since I did NOT 'make' myself sick.

It's not like he's Vince Lombardi and he can motivate me with a hot poker and I can get in his truck and just go there and prove him wrong.

Funny.

When I go to Remicade every 28 days, I have to do the 'scale of 1-10' for pain. I ALWAYS say, can I give you a 'misery' scale instead of a pain scale? And they say yes, and they write down the word 'misery' next to the scale.

MISERY.

That's my state today.

That's the state of marriage today.

That's the state of my life today.

Today, I'm not asking for prayers for me.

I can get through, TODAY.

Please pray for my miserable husband.

Please.

~