Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Blues and Whites

I just took and handful of blues and whites.

Rough night. Going on 9 hours now.

And we all know that I lean towards the crazy side.

But now I may have gone over the edge.

I think I saw Jesus' face in my bathroom doorknob.

Either I'm really high, really tired, or have spent far too much time on the toilet staring at the doorknob......

Or maybe it's God's way of saying He's with me.

When I feel better (someday), I'll take a picture and let the people decide.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The First Cut Is The Deepest

I just awoke from a horrible, horrible, horrible dream.

Billy left me because of the Crohn's.

I am devastated.

Thinking she is 'helping' me, my mother steals the children.

I am trying to convince Billy to save our marriage.

He gets sick.

The doctors say he has contracted some sort of infection that has damaged his kidneys.

He will die in days without a transplant.

Of course, I cannot donate a kidney because of my Crohn's.

My mother leaves a voice mail message on my phone, that Jake has started to pee 'blue'.

After many failed attempts, I am finally able to reach her.

Apparently, my children have contracted the same infection, and both will die within days as well.

I demand that she return the children.

She refuses, saying that I just need to 'let it go'.

Somehow, I find the children in a hospital in Tampa.

They are dying.

Billy is dying.

No one cares.

Everyone has given up.

I refuse.

I decide to put the three of them together in a different hospital, and I go on a search for kidneys.

***Note to readers----- I kept waking up from this dream, and I forced myself back to sleep to solve it. I was not going to leave it unresolved. It was so important to me, and I think you'll see why if you just hang with me.***

I start hanging out in emergency rooms, looking for people who have lost their loved ones.

I continue to touch base with my dying family. Interestingly, the kids haven't realized how sick they are, and are taking things in stride with a great attitude. Billy, however, is losing his grip on the fight.

I find a facility with a kidney.

Billy is declared ineligble due to the way he is treated his body in the past.

Rather than choose which child to give the kidney to, Billy breaks into the facility and cuts the kidney up with a pair of scissors.

He is now in another facility, separate from the children, but is not incarcerated.

I continue my quest.

I network like mad.

I get on the phone.

The internet.


I am able to find friends from long ago who have contacts in the media, in Hollywood, and in politics.

Some know of others who needed organs for their children.

We find the kidneys.


And we live.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


Today was a bad day.

I guess.

I was supposed to drive to the big city. Something I have done thousands upon thousands of time.

To see a doctor.

About having my tubes tied so that I can try yet another potentially deadly yet possibly life extending or life enhancing or life changing POISON.

But my body wouldn't let me go.

I got up.

I showered.

I felt like I was going to throw up.

I had an anxiety attack.

And then the diarrhea started.

And it didn't stop for two hours.

Even with Xanax.

And Lomotil.

So I gave up today.

I put my jammies back on.

And I turned my electric blanket on high.

And I went back to bed.

And four hours later, I feel better.


The diarrhea has stopped.

For now.

I still feel nauseous.

I have never 'no called, no showed' for a doctor's appointment.


Until today.

Hopefully they'll forgive me.

Today, I really don't care.

Tomorrow, I might.