Monday, May 9, 2011



Oh what I wouldn't give for some TPN right now.

You might not know what that means.

TPN stands for Total Parenteral Nutrition.

Which really means, "you get your 'food' through a tube".

I've had TPN before.  More than once.

The first time I had TPN was ten years ago, when we discovered that my colon was simply 'not working, and my small intestines had rerouted themselves outside of my body.  Which finally explained why my poop looked like coffee grounds and my color was the shade of Mrs. Middleton's dress.

I was in the hospital for over a month.  I was in there for almost three weeks PRIOR to the surgery that removed oodles of feet of my guts, leaving my 12 inch scar that snakes north around my belly button, and I remained on TPN for the next week and a half while we waited to see if 'things were going to work'.  Thankfully they did, and at some point I went home, craving mashed potatoes, after not having eaten for over a month.

The TPN that I was given consisted of one HUGE bag, I mean HUGE bag, of a thick, clear, yellow liquid, accompanied by a glass bottle of 'white' stuff.  The bag of liquid was made up of all the nutrients and minerals that my body needed while unable to eat food.  Interestingly, the glass bottle of white stuff was lipids.  In other words, FAT.  Yep.  Your body needs fat.  In my case, one glass bottle a day!

When I had visitors, they would of course stare at the millions and millions of tubes and that HUGE bag of yellow stuff, that they probably thought was pee, but why the heck is it strung up on an IV pole?  Billy would joshingly tell them, "The yellow bag is Bud Lite, and the white stuff is her glass of milk."  Which always brought a smile to my face, as well as the faces of the visitors.

Yeah, I wish I had some TPN right now.

For all intents and purposes, LITERALLY for ALL intents AND purposes, I have stopped eating.  Pretty much.  Ceased.  This didn't start out as a conscious decision, mind you.  Until now, I have never had an eating disorder in my life.  If I ever starved myself, it was most likely due to nerves, anxiety, or in preparation for surgery.

But now?  Well, I have these 80 pounds to lose.  Actually, I only have 20 more to go, YAY ME!.  Part of the reason I 'stopped' eating is because well, it hurts less.  And I don't have to poop if I don't have to eat, and oh, life without poop what a glorious life that would be.  So I drink.  A lot.  Not THAT kind of drink.  THAT kind of drink makes me HURT REALLY REALLY BAD, so um, no Tanqueray for me, dammit.  I drink alot alot. 

So I was wondering how this 'accidental' aneorexia of mine was affecting my health.  So I had blood work done at the behest of my primary doc.  And the results came back.  All within 'normal' levels, meaning, 'my' range of normal, which would never be the same as 'your' range of normal.

I was bewildered.  I asked him, "How can that BE?  I have STOPPED eating!"  And he said, "Well, as long as you aren't dehydrated, your bloodwork may not show any abnormalities."  Which made me think of all the others out there who have a REAL eating disorder problem (yes, mine is only temporary, no, I am not making light of eating disorders, and no, you can't possibly understand my choice to temporarily subsist on crystal lite and go-gurt unless you yourself have Crohn's Disease, so please don't judge me)....

And I thought, so this is how they can 'hide' it.  Because unless they confess it, like I openly do, it might go undetected.  And for 'them', going to a doctor and having bloodwork done just might be a cry for help, only to be told 'all is normal, goodbye'.  This has disturbed me for weeks now, and I don't quite know why.

Okay, now that I went completely off-topic, yeah, I wish had some TPN right now.  Cuz I'm not hungry.  But I forced myself to eat one tiny slice of pizza for Mother's Day today.  And yes, as I type this, it is 12:20am.  Because my guts woke me up.  And up I am, wishing for TPN.


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