Yesterday evening, I ran into my dear friend, the Greatest of All Bell Ringers.
She asked me how I was doing, since, well, she knew 'everything' that happened.
I took a deep breath.
And I said, "Oh-Kay."
And then I took another deep breath.
And she said, "Are you sure?"
And I took yet one more deep breath.
And I replied, "Actually....yeah. I'm Oh-Kay."
She still doubted me.
But I didn't feel like I had the energy nor the need to convince her.
Because I was kinda shocked that I actually said and actually FELT like I was
I'm telling you all right now.
Yes, there are problems in my marriage.
Yes, we have been unemployed for three years.
Yes, we are pretty darn close to becoming homeless.
Yes, my body continues to confuse me, to tantalize me, and to agonize me each and every single day.
Yes, my body continues to confuse, tantalize and agonize my spouse each and every single day.
Yes, my treatments wreak havoc not only on my body and my life, but on my bank account.
Yes, I have 'lost' friends.
Yes, my extended family (with a few exceptions) continues to ostracize themselves from me, rather than embrace the fact that their previously super athletic and super strong and super 'go get 'em tiger' daughter is now a 40 year old special needs woman.
Yes, I have problems on a nuclear scale.
I think I'm "oh-kay".
I am not shaking like a leaf anymore.
I am not eating four pounds of Oreos a day anymore (I've cut back to one pound a day!).
I am no longer afraid to speak to my spouse.
I am no longer afraid that my spouse is going to leave the marriage.
Actually, now that I think about it, other than waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I have done for about 34 years, I don't think I fear anything right now.
Of course things are not 'optimal'.
But then again, how many people who 'have it all', really take the time and look back and say, "hey! our life is OPTIMAL!"
I knew a family who once felt that way.
That was my family.
That was us.
That was a very long time ago.
That was at a time when we were higher than a woodpecker's hole.
God had made our cup runneth over.
And yes, we looked around, up, and down, and we said, "We can't believe how 'optimal' things are for us right now!"
We never lost faith.
That the other shoe would drop.
Which it did.
Maybe that was the catalyst for our conundrum.
Having faith that our 'glory' was temporary, and most certainly God would throw us yet another breaking curveball.
It's too deep for me to even think about.
Right now, I'm "Oh-kay".
And my kids are "AWE-SOME!"
Now those two little buggars don't wait for the other shoe to drop.
Cuz we haven't taught them that learned behavior.
And I (we) COULD NOT be more proud of them, or love them anymore than we already do.
And we tell them that about 15 times a day, each and every single day.
Cuz our parents never did.
WHEN, (NOT 'if', but most certainly WHEN!), my spouse FINALLY receives employment, 99% of all of our 'troubles' will go away.
Some doubt this.
But I'm living it, so I have a little bit more inside information.
When this FINALLY happens, we will all FINALLY be "oh-kay."
It's been a long time, a very, very long time since I've been able to say these words.
Maybe it was the counseling.
Maybe it was the drugs.
Maybe it was menagerie that was my December.
But I am able to sit right here, on a dark Thursday morning, and say to YOU, and believe inside of ME,
rather than later,
WE are all going to be "oh-kay."
I have to believe it.
It's all i've got to hang onto right now.
And it's enough.