Belittled and Bewildered

~
Doctor Hank called at 830 pm.

I love my doctor.

How many doctors call their patients themselves, at 830 pm on a Monday?

MINE does!

Moving on....

The abdominal CT results are in...

Hold on to your seats.....this one could be a wild ride.

I have an ovarian cyst that was NOT seen in March during my tubal procedure.

It was also NOT on my last CT scan that was done in January.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Or in true Heather Fallon fashion -

WHAT THE FUCK?

Doctor Hank told me 'get this taken care of right away'. Okay, dude, I got it. I'll call THAT doctor tomorrow.

In addition, according to Dr. Hank, I have unusual lymph node 'activity' (WHAT THE FUCK?) in the abdominal area. Huh?

Oh yeah, and one more thing.

We reviewed my current status, pain level, symptoms, etc.

Dr. Hank said, (AND I QUOTE) "I don't mean to belittle you, but your symptoms do not correspond to your scan."

YEAH?

AND?

Let's recap:

Ovarian cyst that just sprouted to life in the past 30 days
Unusual lymph node activity in my abdomen
Anecdotal symptoms that do not match scientific fact

Here we freaking go again.

Nothing is easy for me. Not even math.

Dammit.

My only question is, which fire do we fight first? Does it even matter?

Please pray for me as I am about to descend into mis-diagnosed, un-diagnosed, obscure-chronic-illness- HELL.

To be continued.

More

Not much to report.

Had the CT scan on Thursday.

No results yet.

I'm still a 7 on the pain scale. With moments of 9. Awesome.

I am less miserable. Which I think is a result of getting used to the suffering, not that the suffering has subsided. It's a time/space/suffering continuum. Awesome.

The only thing that helps is eating. Strange. So now I'm shoving food in my piehole like there's no tomorrow. So in addition to being sick, I'm getting fat. Awesome.

I am also experiencing circulation problems in my legs and arms. My legs feel like they each weigh a hundred pounds. My hands and arms tingle with the slightest bit of inactivity. I am silently wondering if my AVN is rearing its ugly head (which was only diagnosed in my knees), or if this is another autoimmune problem, or something else we haven't seen before. Awesome.

The arthritis in my spine has exacerbated. When I bend over, or get up after sitting or sleeping, it is excruciating. I have to stand at a 45 degree angle for a few minutes, to ease my self into the vertical position. I look like a hundred year old woman, all bent and hunched over. Awesome.

Hopefully I will hear from my doctor on Monday, with CT results, and some sort of 'plan'.

(For those of you who don't 'know' me, the AWESOMEs in my post are sarcastic).

That's all I got.

Failure

~

It has been 9 very long, very painful, absolutely AGONIZING days.

On Friday, when I went to see Dr. Hank for an emergency work-in appointment, my pain level was a 9 out of 10.

Keep in mind that I have had many painful surgeries, two births (one of each kind), a MRSA infection and subsequent excision (that I was awake for), and I once dropped a fire extinguisher on my foot in the garage. All very painful experiences.

So for this recent 'problem' to warrant a NINE, believe me, it sucks.

According to Dr. Hank, I have "failed" Cimzia. I yelled at him for saying that. Swear. Why couldn't he have said, "Cimzia failed YOU"? Right.

Anyway.

The newest meds he has prescribed have improved me to about a 7. But I have moments of 9. But since there has been improvement, I am trying desperately to remain (or become) positive.

On Thursday, I am having a CT scan.

Dr. Hank thinks my duodenal Crohn's has spread since January, and has not been helped by the Cimzia.

The good news (I try so hard to focus on scraps of good news) is that my intestines have improved. So I think the Cimzia was working there at least.

Duodenal Crohn's is the rarest type of Crohn's Disease. Imagine that. I told Billy that I always wanted to be in the .5% of something. I just didn't have this kind of notoriety in mind.

Not only do I feel as if my stomach, esophagus, and mouth are AFIRE, I have 10-20 diarrheic bowel movements a day. My mouth has no less than 11 painful, bloody sores. My voice sounds like Kim Carnes in "Bette Davis Eyes". The acid continues to make its way into and out of mouth.

I have not left my house since Friday, and that was only because I had to see Dr. Hank.

We are in unchartered territory here. Dr. Hank is already talking about 'what we do next'.

I just want the agony to cease.

I don't give a damn what we do next.

Really, I don't.

Even though it looks like Remicade is back in my future.

Don't care.

Don't care.

Don't care.

The pain HAS to go away.

I have become nothing but a whiny, worthless blob of a person.

Thank you JESUS, that my dear, sweet, husband has been such a blessing through this past week. Sometimes he gets sick and tired of me being sick and tired. But this week, he has been nothing but supportive. He has stayed close to home, and been there for whatever I have needed. I haven't even had to ask him. He knows I hate this. He knows I am not milking this. He knows I would rather be fishing.

Onward we trudge.

~

Eleven

That is how many times I have gone today.

And it isn't even noon yet.

And I just had my Cimzia injections on Tuesday.

And I have been in unbearable pain since Monday.

Nothing makes it go away.

It is in the 'new' area.

That was diagnosed in January, but I haven't felt anything there since now.

Right in the midsection, starts in the middle, goes all the way through to the back.

I am at a loss.

I do not understand.

Agoraphobic?

~

On the rarest of occasions, do I want to leave my house.

Am I depressed?

I don't think so. I take meds for that, and I seem to be upbeat. I'm not crying or anything.

Am I agoraphobic?

I don't think so. I am not SCARED to go outside. I just don't want to.

Am I antisocial?

No question. Always have been. Probably always will be. Not anti-social really, just un-social.

Am I lazy?

Historically I haven't been lazy. But I guess you could say I have become lazi-ER in the past year. Like now, I don't HAVE to get up to go work every day, so it's really hard to want to get up at all. And have so much time on my hands, I really don't feel pressured very much.

So is there something wrong with me, or have I just figured out how to be a lazy, unsocial, agoraphobic and get away with it without having an intervention?

Or am I entitled to be this way since I'm chronically ill and hopefully "officially" disabled if my paperwork goes through?

Or does this post prove that am I totally, utterly, completely insane?

I am curious to hear the opinions of others....

As long as they are 'friendly' of course.

~

Running With The Devil

~

I met with the devil today.

He was not expecting me.

Better than me not expecting him, for sure.

He had two heads.

And four eyes.

And the eyes were black.

And they got blacker by the millisecond.

I saw the personfication of anger, hatred, and evil, all at once, pointed in my direction.

I was surrounded by an armor of God, by the strength of a thousand Christian soldiers, and a couple of really good men.

I went running with the devil today.

The devil was cast out.

And I have lived to tell about it.

God is good.

All the time.

BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD - Psalm 46:10