One Month

I was just re-reading my blog.

It is difficult to grasp that I have had this pain for thirty days.

How much longer must I suffer?

And all I can do is look at my poor, sweet husband, who has been watching me wither away. He loves me so much. And he wants so desperately to fix me. And he is as scared as I am, if not more so. I fear that I am dragging him down with me into a pit of agonizing despair. It is so difficult for him to remain strong for the children. I am supposed to be the strong one. It has always been me who has carried the emotional load. Everyone tells me so. Everyone. Heather, you are the strongest person I have ever known.....

Not now.

Not today.

Not in awhile.

The doctors have told me there is nothing they can do for me. I cannot eat anything. Nothing kills the pain. What am I supposed to do? Just sit here and cry and moan and shrivel into NOTHING?

NOTHING?

And I'm not even dying or anything. Or so they tell me. They believe I have the pain, but they don't know why. That they've done all that they can do. Why is this so hard for me to accept?

I want to lie in my bed, with my husband, and my children, and just hug. And just be loved on. Like a puppy. I just want them to pet me like they would a new puppy.