O V E R

~

It's O V E R.

God worked it out.

I lost 'it' a few days ago.

Wasn't sad.

Wasn't hormonal.

Didn't cry.

Sighed.

A HUGE sigh of relief.

Cuz now I don't have to worry about the WHAT and the WHY and the God Almighty HOW.

You can call me cold.

You can call me the Ice Queen.

Lord knows the Golden Seed Provider does.

I think God worked it out.

You can think whatever you want.

I'm not sorry that I'm relieved.

I'm not sorry that I'm not horribly, horribly, horribly sick as a Roman in a vomitorium anymore.

I'm not sorry that 'it's' over.

I'm not sorry about any of it.

Not the curse words against the Virgin Mary. Or I guess God for that matter.

Cuz I never did anything wrong.

In fact, I did everything R I G H T.

I kept my promises to all my doctors.

I did not explode when the Golden Seed Provider questioned "Whose is it?"

I went to counseling (and I will continue to go).

I tried to act like everything was 'normal'. (Yeah, what exactly does 'normal' mean for ME? If you figure that out, let me know.)

I sought help, guidance, prayer, consultation......

I stopped taking medicines that helped me, in order to protect an unborn, even though the withdrawal was horrific for my body.

I HAD MY TUBES TIED, OR COILS IMPLANTED IF YOU WANT TO BE UBER SPECIFIC.

The only thing I did NOT do, was act joyful.

But....

No one else who heard the news acted joyfully either.

And for that...

I am thankful.

And I am thankful that God made a potentially agonizing journey very short indeed.

I hadn't been praying in a couple of weeks, cuz, I had no idea what to pray for.

Strength.

Yeah.

Everytime I think of praying for strength, my dear friend and respected counsel, PJ, comes to mind with his quotation of scripture, "there is strength in weakness."

I offered praise when it was over.

Even though it hurt really, really, really bad for a day and a half.

I didn't really care about the physical pain.

I was so very relieved.

Still am.

And if that makes me a horrible, horrible, horrible menace of a person, then..

So be it.

Walk a mile in these shoes.

Forget it.

Walk half a mile.

Nah.

Just tread to the mailbox.

Dare you.

Encourage you.

ENTREAT you.

And then you can judge me.

For now, it's Christmas.

Birthday of Jesus.

I've got my two miracles.

They are sound asleep right now.

With sugarplums dancing in their heads.

Two miracles are enough.

For now.

Merry Christmas.

~